Apostrophe Consultant's

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use
Wendell Johnson


We know its hard to get helpful assistance with writing text reports these days. Unlike some cheap, inexpensive service's which are given carte blanche to do what they like we give our client's what we want. We offer a very unique, proffesional approach to web design and hippopotomonstrosesquipidelian corporate report writing. Weve said it so often its become repetetive to us:
  • There is an alternative to quality
  • We practice what we preach and avoid cliches like the plague
  • Currently we now have a very unique special offer for our customers
  • We dont look back in retrospect but
  • We are always continually looking for new innovations and future potential
  • We always seek favourable approval from our clients
  • We execute our customers strictly in the order they are recieved
  • Our work is exported overseas to many other countries
  • Your clients will read our report's more avidly than a packet of cereal at breakfast time
  • Understatement is a million times worse than exaggeration
  • We don't deny a non-tendency to reject the under-use of negative statements - sometimes
  • No Personal PIN number required

Web 2.0 101
It's important to get the right balance of site content

Most company web sites fail to meet the combined expectations of Board Members, the IT Manager and marketing gurus. Neither do they foster a community of wealthy clients eager to seek a company's services. Exhaustive research by Apostrophe Consultant's has revealed the ideal proportions of screen real estate content to use in web page design. Remember, a company's perceived attractiveness is about so much more than content. We offer the following hot tips to help you get your message across:

Always include a page that helps the Executive Management navigate the complex internal bureaucracy of their company. Be sure to emphasise today's rising stars. General users also appreciate reading about confidential internal policy issues on the public website.

To maximise advertising click-throughs and avoid spam, bury contact info on a obscure page. But be sure to include an informative email address such as complaints@company.com.nz

The Internet is the new medium of commerce so be sure to include plenty of marketing lingo. UPPERCASE LETTERS MUST BE USED ON CLUTTERED PAGES FOR EMPHASIS.

Logos cost your firm a fortune in design fees. So be sure to use huge, bold logos at every opportunity on your website. Normal icons are OK, but don't forget you can also use semi-transparent backgrounds, spinning 3D animations and buggy Javascript floatovers that follow the cursor.

Remember, people are stupid - they need sidebar, tab, footer, text body and image map links to help them navigate your website. But they also appreciate a challenge - so don't use separate colours for visited and unvisited links.

Make sure your pages are brim full with high resolution stock photos. Models are so much more attractive than real people. Use animations that launch automatically without a user's request, they save users having to use repetitive mouse clicks.

Journalists are busy people and will appreciate a direct link to objectively-written press releases that they can directly copy and paste into their articles.

Don't worry about privacy issues. Gather every scrap of information Javascript will allow you to, and then some. Store it. You never know when it might come in useful.

Include a vague or jargonistic tagline on the home page. For an oil company, political party, government department or environmental group, this might be something like "Striving to make the world a better place".

If your site is not regularly updated, omit any dates. This will fool the reader into thinking it is more current than it actually is. If your site is regularly updated then be sure to include hours, minutes and seconds (see reason above).

Avoid horizontal scrolling at screen resolutions of 1600 x 1200 pixels, it annoys power users. Express yourself using a variety of fonts and popup windows.

Examples' of Our Work

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