Atmosphere and Global ****ing
If you think the problem
is bad now, just wait until we've solved it
Visible spectrum weather satellite photograph,
An atmospheric disturbance will cross the region sometime,
possibly as soon as tonight. Towards dawn the sky will
lighten from the east. A clear, bright sunny day with good
visibility is forecast for international air travellers.
Below the clouds, if they form, winds could blow from one
or more directions and be variable in strength. There is
the statistical possibility that it could rain. If it
happens, this rain could either be heavy or light but will
definitely be a "wetting" rain and water accumulation is
likely in low-lying areas. In precipitation-free areas it
will remain dry. Temperatures will probably be about
normal, or lower or higher than average for this time of
year though any wind will make it seem colder than it
really is. Towards evening, skies will darken, again from
the easterly quarter, and temperatures will drop. Outlook
for the rest of the week: similar weather with the
likelihood of an eventual change.
Mountain Forecast: risk of more cloud and lower
temperatures; snow will remain on the highest mountaintops.
Marine Forecast: the tide will rise and fall approximately
twice a day.
Woolly mammoths return to the La Brea Tar Pits, Los
The Antarctic Peninsula could become a tropical paradise
and icebergs could block the Panama Canal if global climate
continues to change unabated, according to new research
published in the Bulletin of Supposition and Speculation.
The Antipodes Islands Panel on Climate Change (AIPCC) has
conclusively established that not only is there a 50%
chance of global warming raising temperatures between 0.1
and 4.9 degC over the next 100 years but, alarmingly, there
also is a 50% chance of global cooling reducing
temperatures between 0.05 and 5.1 degC in the same period.
Heavy rainfall in New York City
The new research suggests that there are only a few more
decades left for procrastination. Assuming the worst-case
scenario of minimal temperature change, many research
institute ecosystems will become uninhabitable as
devastating numbers of lucrative research grants are
frozen. In other parts of the world the heat will be on to
diversify into more profitable doomsday scenarios and the
public could again be plunged into perennial media stories
of nuclear winter. Even assuming the best possible
situation of extreme temperature change, negative impacts
can be expected as rival research teams struggle to
convince the public and politicians that the planet is
simultaneously heating up and cooling down.
The new research coincides with the South Pacific Institute
of Nolledge's ratification of the 1997 Kyoto Protocol. The
Company's enactment of a new No-Farting Policy aims
to cut institutional greenhouse gas emissions to 1990
levels without impacting on Company economic growth.
No doubt climate skeptics, from the security of their urban
heat islands, will continue to decry the relevance of such
climate research and policy responses. But the authority
and background of the AIPCC is highly impressive; it
includes some of the Company's top climate scientists,
proposal writers, marketing managers and media liaison
specialists. The Chatham Islands could become suitable for
growing kiwifruit, Africa would be infested with swedes and
Greenpeace offices will spread uncontrollably.