Atmosphere and Global ****ing

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it
Epstein's Law

Local Weather Forecast

Visible spectrum weather satellite photograph, 0200hrs

An atmospheric disturbance will cross the region sometime, possibly as soon as tonight. Towards dawn the sky will lighten from the east. A clear, bright sunny day with good visibility is forecast for international air travellers. Below the clouds, if they form, winds could blow from one or more directions and be variable in strength. There is the statistical possibility that it could rain. If it happens, this rain could either be heavy or light but will definitely be a "wetting" rain and water accumulation is likely in low-lying areas. In precipitation-free areas it will remain dry. Temperatures will probably be about normal, or lower or higher than average for this time of year though any wind will make it seem colder than it really is. Towards evening, skies will darken, again from the easterly quarter, and temperatures will drop. Outlook for the rest of the week: similar weather with the likelihood of an eventual change.
Mountain Forecast: risk of more cloud and lower temperatures; snow will remain on the highest mountaintops.
Marine Forecast: the tide will rise and fall approximately twice a day.

Long Term Global Outlook

Woolly mammoths return to the La Brea Tar Pits, Los Angeles

The Antarctic Peninsula could become a tropical paradise and icebergs could block the Panama Canal if global climate continues to change unabated, according to new research published in the Bulletin of Supposition and Speculation. The Antipodes Islands Panel on Climate Change (AIPCC) has conclusively established that not only is there a 50% chance of global warming raising temperatures between 0.1 and 4.9 degC over the next 100 years but, alarmingly, there also is a 50% chance of global cooling reducing temperatures between 0.05 and 5.1 degC in the same period.

Heavy rainfall in New York City

The new research suggests that there are only a few more decades left for procrastination. Assuming the worst-case scenario of minimal temperature change, many research institute ecosystems will become uninhabitable as devastating numbers of lucrative research grants are frozen. In other parts of the world the heat will be on to diversify into more profitable doomsday scenarios and the public could again be plunged into perennial media stories of nuclear winter. Even assuming the best possible situation of extreme temperature change, negative impacts can be expected as rival research teams struggle to convince the public and politicians that the planet is simultaneously heating up and cooling down.

The new research coincides with the South Pacific Institute of Nolledge's ratification of the 1997 Kyoto Protocol. The Company's enactment of a new No-Farting Policy aims to cut institutional greenhouse gas emissions to 1990 levels without impacting on Company economic growth.

No doubt climate skeptics, from the security of their urban heat islands, will continue to decry the relevance of such climate research and policy responses. But the authority and background of the AIPCC is highly impressive; it includes some of the Company's top climate scientists, proposal writers, marketing managers and media liaison specialists. The Chatham Islands could become suitable for growing kiwifruit, Africa would be infested with swedes and Greenpeace offices will spread uncontrollably.