If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Epstein's Law

Scientific Whaling

Heavily laden factory ships (left) return to the Cetacean Research Laboratory (right)

Company scientists this year continued their annual scientific whale hunt in the Southern Ocean with a new scientific catcher boat added to the fleet. The meat from all these scientific whales was sold for high prices to private Company clients. Scientific statistics show that much of the scientifically-prepared whale meat eventually found its way into nutritional lunches for hungry, protein-depleted Japanese schoolchildren. The Company can assure its shareholders and stakeholders that every dollar of profit from this controversial but highly lucrative trade went to fund The Company's scientific research programmes on endangered krill species, harpoon targeting dynamics and food preparation technology. The Company continues its efforts to educate politicians and the general public on the looming environmental catastrophe facing the Southern Oceans as a result of recent unrestrained growth in the scientific whale population

Biodiversity and Evolution


New Zealand (a Gondwana remnant in the South Pacific) is widely recognised as a superb natural laboratory, unique in terms of the rapid evolutionary changes inflicted on its endemic scientific biota. The consequences of a massive socio-biological upheaval continue today, watched from a safe distance by nervous overseas scientists who have compiled a time scale that catalogues these major New Zealand ceological events.

Genetic Engineering

Nevada Test Site

The Company continues to operate the Asia-Pacific Executive Sperm Bank under contract to the World Trade Organisation. Donations have shot up to record heights this year with contributors no longer limited to The Company's increasingly inbred Executive Management and Board. As a result of our trade booth at the APEC conference in Auckland in late 1999 streams of new donations have been coming in. The archive of ideologically pure human genetic material is now guaranteed to last well into the next millenium. The past year also saw the setting up of a wholly Company-owned only-for-profit lobby group "Save Animals From Environmentalists" or SAFE. The purpose of this group is to inject some balanced, rational, approving discussion into the polarised GM debate.

SPIN scientists have made dramatic breakthroughs in the environmentalist-free cultivation of genetically modified giant fruit and vegetables.

Banana whatawhopperi and Orangus gigantifluoroensis

The Company's produce won several medals at the recent Rarotonga Agricultural & Pastoral show. The parsnip won a bronze medal in the "Easy Peel Vegetable" section and the blueberry a gold medal in the "Monto-Berry" section. The Company intends to licence the new cultivars for export and has applied to ERMA (Environmental Rubberstamp Management Authority) for certificates stating that these genetically modified organisms are safe for consumption by Australians