Board of Directors

The organisation of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.
Imhoff's Law

Scientists are commonly considered to be mad, evil, magical, nerdy, dangerous, mysterious, anti-social and under the impression that work at a research institute should be based on something other than tried and tested business principles. The Company is fortunate to have a talented, hand-picked Board of Directors whose ideological beliefs counterbalance those of the staff, and keeps a firm hand on the tiller.

The Board is responsible for the short term growth and profitability of The Company. The Board rubber stamps management's double digit pay increases on behalf of shareholders. Board meetings are normally held six times a year in exotic global destinations. Scheduled meetings include first class return air travel, five star hotel accommodation, local sightseeing, wine tasting and brief management presentations.

The Company has arranged a full programme of liability insurance for directors. Cover is for damages, fines, penalties and legal costs arising from dishonest, fraudulent or malicious acts, wilful breaches of regulations, improper use of information, repeated gross moral turpitude, pride, greed, list, envy, gluttony, anger and sloth.

New board members are aggressively headhunted and the Company Secretary maintains a list of prospective candidates. Current Board Members are:

Harry Joseph Bowman, Chairman of the Board
Dr. Bowman is past-President of the Asia-Pacific Business Round Table, and of the Manufacturers' Federation. Last year he retired as a director of the Reserve Bank after nine years but retains several directorships, as well as being the deputy chairman of the Subantarctic Islands Stock Exchange. He has an MBA and PhD from Can'terbury University.

Agustin Vasquez-Mendoza
Mr. Mendoza grew up in the barrios of Lower Hutt. Now he is the chairman of sharebroker and financial advisory group "Mendozacorp". He is also a director of the Underwater Transport Safety Authority Limited, the Incident Compensation Corporation Limited and Brearley Investments. He has worked as a spin doctor for the Minister of Finance and has an MBA from the Polytechnic of South Westland and Western Southland.

Terezinha Queiroz Bodott
Ms Bodott (MBA, Vectoria University) is a part time accounting manager, and was a founding member of the South Pacific Institute of Finance and Credit Consultancy Limited. To keep scientists focused, Ms Bodott employs simple quantitative targets communicated through the Executive Management and understood, she believes, by all employees. These are net profit after tax, profit per employee and return on equity.

Nova Esther Guthrie
Professor Guthrie has a Personal Chair in the Department of Economics at the University of the Antipodes Islands. A complex and often misunderstood businesswoman-intellectual, she recently opined: "My view is that competition is occuring and that we are ready to meet the competition." She is the only (i.e. token) member of the board not to have an MBA.

Arthur Lee Washington, Jr.
Mr. Washington is a Fiji-based independent retirement and financial planning advisor. He has built a sense of deeply-held moral values revolving around a few simple, personal and corporate financial principles. He has an MBA from Orcland University. Mr Washington hates meetings because they waste his time.

Marta Aleman
A lawyer, successful businesswoman and close personal friend of the former Minister of Creation Research Institutes, Mrs. Aleman was recently appointed as a Member of Council of the University of Whaikato from where she gained her MBA. Her latest property investment project is an ambitious 56ha Rotorua Adventure Park, which will offer upmarket teambuilding retreats complete with confidence courses and conference facilities.

Donald Eugene Webb
Sir Donald Webb is an ex-mayor of Orcland and has an MBA from Whaikato University. He now carries out consultancy work and pursues private investment interests. He is a past-president of the prestigious Auckland Golf Club and lives in Remuera. The recent disturbance in the sharemarket makes it difficult to estimate his worth, but a conservative view would suggest it is little different to last year.

Josephine Bowe
Dr. Bowe is Rector of Gondwana Boys High School. Once reputed to be the supercontinent's biggest private walnut operator, her interests now include property development and foreign exchange. A Cantabrian of the right breed and schooling, she appears on a host of southern hemisphere boards. She has an MBA from the Correspondence School.

International Advisory Board

We have confidentially recruited a few famous but reclusive personalities whose expertise has brought much needed liquidity to The Company.

D.B. Cooper
Mr. Cooper retired from public life in 1971 after taking up parachuting in the U.S. Pacific Northwest. A popular figure in the Antipodes Islands, he is a white male, well built, 5' 10", 170-180 lbs, still wearing his trademark black raincoat, loafers, dark business suit, neatly pressed white shirt, narrow black necktie, mother-of-pearl stickpin and black wrap-around sunglasses. The $200K has been very useful.

John Franklin
Rear Admiral Sir John Franklin FRGS was a British Royal Navy officer and Arctic explorer. He made the first successful navigation of the Northwest Passage in 1847. Once free of the Bering Sea pack-ice Franklin opened his secret instructions from the Admiralty which instructed him to proceed with the discovery of the 180th line of longitude. Accordingly he pushed south across the Pacific in the Erebus and Terror, and ran aground on the Antipodes Islands in mid 1848.

Harold Holt
Mr. Holt was Prime Minister of Australia for 22 months from 1966-67. After boarding a UFO, or a Russian or Chinese submarine, off the Victorian Coast in December 1967, Holt made his way to the Antipodes Islands. Since his arrival here, his many achievements include the introduction of decimal currency and increasing involvement of The Company in Vietnam.

Lord Lucan
Richard John Bingham, 7th Earl of Lucan, has been an officer in the Coldstream Guards, a professional gambler and, in the early 1970s, was a well-known figure in some quarters of British Society. Like D.B. Cooper, Lord Lucan voluntarily retired from public life in the 1970s, and advises SPIN on business matters.

Flight 19
On 5 December 1945, USAF Flight 19 took off from Fort Lauderdale, Florida on a training mission to the Bermuda Triangle. After a refuelling stop, the planes made their way to the Antipodes Islands where the crew have remained ever since. They still routinely participate in airborne geophysical patrols of the Southern Ocean.