The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance
First and Only Circular
Total Disaster Center, South Pacific Institute of Nolledge, Antipodes Islands
A Message from the Organising Committee
It gives us great pleasure to invite you to Nolledge1: the First International Nolledge Symposium. This is more than just another excuse to get away from your students, colleagues or family and accumulate more air points. We recognise that international meetings like this are critical to nolledge's continued success and vitality in the military-industrial-university complex. The conference will be opened by an international or local dignitary (probably our CEO if he's free that morning).
The Organising Committee votes unanimously for green name badges
The Total Disaster Center is looking forward to hosting Nolledge1. The civic officials of the Antipodes Islands extend their welcome and invite you to explore the island's attraction. The local residents are also looking forward to showing you their hospitality and talents. We strongly recommend all delegates leave jewellery items at home, take out personal accident insurance, do not travel unaccompanied during daylight hours and carry only small amounts of cash. Have a safe and relaxing conference.
Fees cover admission to the Lecture Theatre, Trade Exhibition Area, Cafe, Toilets and the Icebreaker Function (stand around with a free cold pie and warm beer). Included in your complimentary conference pack are the following eagerly anticipated items:
- T-shirt (SS and XXXL only)
- ballpoint pen that doesn't work
- 128MB USB memory stick embossed with the [Insert Principal Sponsor]'s logo
- green name badge in conference-standard 6pt Comic Sans font on a lanyard that always swings your name towards your shirt
- Programme and Abstract Volume the thickness and weight of the Auckland telephone directory
- chance to be in the draw to win a Symposium Award or Prize
- street map without any scale or north point
- wad of readily recyclable glossy over-hyped tourist brochures
Save 1% with a team discount! Send your team of Nolledge Specialists and benefit from joint participation at a reduced group rate. If you register three or more at a time you may deduct 1% of the conference fee for each participant.
A number of international airlines fly direct to the Antipodes Islands. These include:
AIR INDIA (After I Return I'll Never Do It Again)
ALITALIA (Always Late in Takeoff Always Late in Arriving)
BA (British Awfulness)
DELTA (Divert Everyones' Luggage to Atlanta)
EASYJET (Economy Airline Slows Your Journey Every Time)
EL AL (Every Landing, Always Late)
LUFTHANSA (Let Us Free The Hostages And Not Shoot Anyone) and
QANTAS (Quick and Nasty Transportation Australian Style)
We assure you that AIIA is as soulless, sanitised, duty free-centric and security conscious as any other international airport. In other words, you'll feel right at home.
The processing of arriving passengers is generally straightforward. If an Immigration Official unfortunately discovers that you do not have the correct visa in your passport you can pay an instant fine (generally about $100). At Customs Inspection, please have your expediting fee (also about $100) tucked into your Quarantine Form to avoid having your baggage ransacked, delayed or confiscated. Alternatively, on deplaning, head to the Information Desk where, for one easy service fee, official consultants can assist your smooth passage through Immigration and Customs, and also find you a porter, taxi, hotel and cheap souvenirs.
DELUXE PACKAGE. $1000/night.
Pamper yourself like a CEO at the Hotel Grand Metro Antipodes, just a 1km ($50) taxi ride from the conference. All guest rooms have balcony and patio with ocean views, double ensuites, spa pool, a king size vibrating water bed, ankle-deep carpets, in-room bar generously stocked with a selection of rare single malts, voice-activated climate control, 300 channel wall-mounted flat screen satellite TV, high speed internet connection and personal multilingual massuese/ barista/ sharebroker. Price includes all the towels, soap, robes, cologne and notepaper you can swipe. Our obsequious staff are on hand 24 hours a day to accept tips for doing trivial jobs for you. Assistive devices for persons with disabilities are available, though such people do not generally stay at the Grand Metro.
BUDGET PACKAGE. $10/night.
Relive your student days at St Swindle's student hostel, located at the lowest and shadiest part of the University of the Antipodes Islands campus. Architecturally-designed, historic St Swindle's is admired for its remarkable eggshell-thin internal walls and magnificent echoing stairwells. Designed for the price-conscious delegate, the accommodation package includes a pre-loved hammock-shaped 1.6m long single bed, thin grey blanket, threadbare hand towel and a tiny piece of soap in an unopenable plastic packet. All rooms are air-conditioned and temperature controlled to 9degC. Share chained-down instant coffee facilities on top floor of hostel. You'll certainly hear the cooks arrive at 4am; a cooked canteen breakfast available from 6am - just follow the smell. An operational payphone can usually be found within walking distance. Buses sometimes run at 20 minute intervals between UAI campus and the Conference Venue.
A one page abstract must be submitted to the Organising Committee a preposterous number of months prior to the conference date. Prospective delegates who are too busy to write their own abstracts should use The Company's free instant abstract service.
We encourage posters - they provide a bit of coloured wallpaper around the coffee area. Posters must be no bigger than A0 size, landscape format. However the conference organisers reserve the right to substitute, at short notice, smaller portrait orientation boards that are seemingly resistant to all common tapes, adhesives and pins.
Delegates relax during a post-lunch Plenary Session
These guys drop a lot of dough to be here, please look interested and buy something from them!
The Nolledge1 Conference Store is your one-stop shop for all nolledge-related merchandise including customised business cards, fridge magnets, pens, pencils, erasers, monogrammed golf balls, enriched uranium gold clubs, mouse pads, certificates of achievement, sheepskins, souvenir teaspoons, baseball caps, sweatshirts, nose hair trimmers, pop-up hot dog cookers, wristwatch MP3 audio players, crystal decanters, travel alarm clocks, blood pressure monitors, lava lamps, magnetic shoulder wraps and Italian leather cellphone cases. All this, and much much more, at your Nolledge1 Conference Store.
Limousine service is available for Keynote Speakers
Hastily scribbled messages will be posted on a board in the main foyer so that everyone, with the curious but inevitable exception of the recipient, can read them throughout the whole conference.
The entire 570 Terabyte Nolledge1 Proceedings will be available on The Company's web site and will also be published in a special 24 volume set of the Bulletin of Supposition and Speculation. Boxed, gift-wrapped DVD-ROMs and limited edition, hand numbered hardcopy prints of individual papers, and much much more, may be purchased at your Nolledge1 Conference Store.
Media Liaison Room
This offers a full-service, state-of-the art support center for members of the media. The press room has satellite telephones, fax machines and computers (Ataris, Amstrads, Acorns, Macs and PCs) for accessing e-mail and the World Wide We
b as well as a skilled staff of support geeks. At the daily press conferences, spin doctors will be available to field questions on behalf of delegates.
Speakers at Nolledge1 are subject to change and replacements may be made without notice. Content of presentations does not necessarily reflect the views of the speakers, their employers or families, or of the Nolledge1 Organising Committee. The Company's standard Terms and Conditions apply.