The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

Placebo Pills


Our scientists have harnessed the power of the amazing Placebo Effect, the most powerful known panacea on the planet. Now available in brilliant handy tablet form, our incredible Placebo Pills are 100% natural and GE, sugar and fat free. Indeed they are guaranteed free of any active ingredient whatsoever. There is no risk of ethics committees, randomised control trials, animal rights activists, Ombudsmen, underprescribing, overdosing, addiction or side effects.

At last there is an alternative to whacko alternative therapies and soulless western medicine. In tests, 7 out of 10 people preferred Placebo Pills to a glass of freshly drawn Tibetan Monk's Urine. And 4 out of those 7 preferred the taste of Placebo Pills to the cough medicine they had as a child.

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Just 12 pills a day may help alleviate symptoms of obseity/anorexia, constipation/incontinence, insomnia/narcolepsy, high/low blood pressure, too small/large assorted body parts, air/sea/morning sickness, boils, warts, Builder's Crack, Comb-Overs, Economy Class Syndrome and Global Warming.


Regular Super Strength:
4 bottles = 2 months supply just $199.99

Homeopathic Strength:
(diluted 10 million times for extra shareholder value)
4 bottles $299.99

Rock-Based Breakfast Cereal

gwarrow nutriwackearrow eat

Make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Before 30 June. That was the in-house objective thrown at the Boffin Lab Team in mid-April.

Fact 1: The most common rock on the Pacific Rim is greywacke.
Fact 2: The most common thing eaten for breakfast is cereal.
Supposition: We can turn the Pacific's most common rock into the most commonly eaten breakfast food. Before 30 June.

A quick comparison of Recommended Daily Intakes with the Average New Zealand Greywacke showed much promise. Just one bowl of Nutriwacke can provide many of the trace element needs of the average White Adult Male Executive.

Nutritional analysis of typical Torlesse greywacke - New Zealand's most common rock

Wow! 100% of zinc and copper requirements, the rocks are obviously a fantastic source of calcium for healthy bones, there's a good sodium/potassium ratio, and look at those transition metal concentrations! The Boffin Lab Team have been testing the cereal at morning tea for the last two weeks. Unfortunately half of the cohort had to stop the trial because of visits to the dentist. The other half had to stop because they were diagnosed with symptoms of acute chromium poisoning.

by Resident Nutritionist
Crispin Sweet


Burnt Mince on Toast
Gently saute 500g minced beef with 50g sieved butter in a frying pan.
Add 3 tablespoons tomato sauce and pepper to taste.
Cook on high, uncovered and unattended, for 30 minutes.
After removing battery from smoke alarm, quickly toast two slices of bread.
Top toast with burnt mince and serve at once.

Troppa Pasta (Too Much Pasta)
Bring a medium sized pot of salted water to boil.
Add pasta – at least one 500g packet per person.
Boil for 1 hour, adding more water if necessary.
Cut slices of pasta out of pot with a sharp knife.
Serve with your favourite sauce or pesto.
Will keep in the back of the fridge for months.

Overcooked Rice
To a large pot of salted boiling water, add 1/3 cup rice for each person.
Cook on medium heat for 1 hour, adding more water “in case it’s not done yet”.
Drain and serve.

Two Minute Noodles
Open packet of Two Minute Noodles.
Boil in water for two minutes.
Drain and eat.

Instant Noodles
Open packet of Instant Noodles
Eat at once.

Chocolate Cake
Open a box of chocolate cake mix.
Follow instructions.
Allow to cool.
Throw away cake and eat box.

Rich Chocolate Dessert (serves 4)
Melt a 400g bar of chocolate over a double boiler.
Pour into three small cups and allow to set.
Top with chocolate chips.
Chill in fridge until ready to serve.

Assemble flour, yeast, water, olive oil and toppings.
Dial 0800 83 83 83 and follow the instructions.